Why is it so hard to accept our children’s strong feelings?
I read something in a book that stuck with me. The author, Hunter Clarke-Fields, said that if parents spend years negating children’s feelings and emotions, it is no wonder why by the time adolescence comes, they no longer have the desire to share with us what is really troubling them. Simply put, when our children most need our guidance and support, we no longer have their trust, because, by that point, they feel as though their feelings may not be taken seriously.
Feeling is as human as breathing
Clearly, parents don’t set out to alienate their kids by age 13. But, it may happen through the micro messages we continuously feed them, inadvertently, over time. We’ve all been there. When our kids feel distressed, we say things like: “It’s OK”, “You don’t need to cry”, “Don’t be so mad”, “It’s nothing”, “You are a big kid”, “Be strong”, “Want some ice cream?”.
What’s wrong with those statements? Are they not appropriate things to say? Yes, those are common, quick fixes to something seemingly “wrong” that parents desperately need to make right. However, over time, such statements teach children to avoid expressing their feelings, minimize them, or ignore them altogether. This repetitive practice tells children what they feel is not important. As a consequence, kids stop trusting their own emotional compass and start relying on adults to interpret how they should feel at certain times.
Why do parents deny kids’ feelings? Hint: It has to do with science.
Though sometimes these three situations come into play:
Inconvenience: It is not the time or place for such outbursts of emotions.
Shame: what will others think of my parenting and how I handle my child?
Pain: It is painful to see our loved ones suffer.
In reality, two very human things are happening when strong emotions flourish and adults rush to contain them:
1-Children’s brains are too immature to handle high emotional situations. Their prefrontal cortex, also known as their “upstairs brain” or the area in charge of regulating emotions, has not yet fully developed. That will happen well in their twenties. Dysregulation is an expected behavior of a young person.
2-Our adult brains are wired to react to stress with a flight, fight or freeze response, when we do not consciously try to respond differently. The amygdala’s job is to protect us from danger, but human brains are not evolved enough to distinguish between real danger (there is a tiger in front of me type of danger) versus pretend danger (my kid accidentally broke a special family keepsake).
“The best predictor of a child’s wellbeing is the parents’ self understanding.”
Follow these 3 steps to identify what triggers you
Studies have shown that our own childhood experiences, whether conscious or unconscious, permeate the way we respond to our children’s behaviors today by triggering our stress responses to certain situations.
You may not realize it, but the reason you react so powerfully to your child’s not finishing her meal may have its roots in your own experiences with food when you were a kid. Or, the reaction to seeing your kid running into a mud puddle while other parents remain totally calm and even smile at the situation? Yeah, that, too, comes from what your trusted adults made you believe about it being right or wrong.
So, now that we know we are naturally conditioned to react in certain ways, what do we do about it?
Step 1 - Keep track of what triggers you. It could be a mental note or a real note on paper or your mobile, but the more you pay attention to those situations, the easier it will be to change the way you respond. If you want to learn more about becoming a more mindful parent, read my previous post here.
Step 2 - Verbally acknowledge how you are feeling to those around you in an effort to be transparent about your triggers as you work through them.
Step 3 - Use a calming technique by either physically removing yourself from the environment to calm down before you are fully triggered or by breathing through the situation.
By following these 3 steps (or a version that works for you) you not only avoid escalating the situation but also demonstrate to your family alternative ways to respond to triggers, setting an example for your kids in the long run.
Though this chart was developed for adults, some of these triggers might apply to us as parents.
How to become more accepting of our children’s strong emotions?
One of the proven strategies for being more understanding towards young people is by establishing a frequent meditation practice. Even a few minutes a day of quiet inward time can help parents learn ways to be more mindful throughout the day, adopt breathing techniques to manage daily stress and use empathy by truly putting yourself in your kids’ shoes.
Another way to approach strong feelings situations is by proactively becoming curious about what’s driving your children’s feelings. You can ask questions as:
Can you tell me more?
Then what happened?
How do you feel about that?
What can you do next time instead?
How do you think the other person felt?
What can you do to feel better?
Is there anything I do to help you feel better?
I hope you found this article useful. If you have comments or suggestions, please leave them below. I love reading them.